Lovers and Friends

So I’ve decided to lay off talking about being a woman for a while and start talking about something that has been a topic of a few of my conversations over the last week –
Lovers and Friends. We all have friends of the opposite sex; may it be in the work place, from school, people who we have grown up with and people we have met along the way. However, what I’m asking is…
Do male/female friendships really work? As just friends? Can you be friends with someone who was previously your lover?

Let’s look at friends in general…

People are friends with other people for many different reasons; whether these friendships are based on mutual interests, and with people who can bring some benefit or enhancement to your life e.g. because a person makes you laugh or you just enjoy spending time with them. Friends are an important part of our development socially from a young age.

I have a few male friends and although they are very nice in one way or another, I wouldn’t be trying to make any ‘moves’ (and ‘grooves’) on them as I think friendships should be respected (and the fact that I am a married woman helps)! Most relationships start as friendships of some form and just like relationships, you have to really get on with someone to be their friends otherwise there is really no point in having them around!! Usually, you are not deeply attracted to people who you want to be just friends with (be honest)and although you could possibly play the whole ‘hard-to-get’ thing, a friend would have to be pretty silly if they did not notice the signals (either that or they are in complete denial and are far to nice too hurt anyone’s feelings)

Have a look at this video- Lovers and Friends by Kadey James. I posed the question in the chorus to some friends this week asking what would they do if a friend started to get a bit close and asked them:
 
“What would you do if I said, baby take your clothes off?” Comments I received ranged from “WTF!”, “Why?”, laughter and one person (who shall remain nameless) said “You first!”. Surprisingly, I didn’t get the answers I anticipated. The majority of people said they wouldn’t be happy about their friend making a move on them like that. Answers varied, depending on what sort of friend he or she was and how long the friendship had lasted.

I then thought a little deeper… what if I was attracted to a male friend of mine who I thought was very good-looking? What would I do???? I’d like to think I wouldn’t do anything but… if he was also attracted to me then why shouldn’t I??? (If I was single of course)
Yeah why not?! I thought…BUT then my brain started to work overtime (this always happens to me) thinking what would happen after this one, perhaps intense moment of passion???? Once you take yourself over the bridge from friends to lovers you run the risk of entering the deep, dark and dangerous waters of complication where feelings and emotions can run high through rain clouds of doubt and regret. Did you both feel the same??? Was it worth it??? One of you wants to do it again and the other doesn’t??? Can you move on from this and go back to being friends???

If this had happened, I can imagine the awkwardness would be the biggest problem. “Oh yeah its cool we can still be friends!” Guys, you know she isn’t really thinking that but you persist with the game because you don’t really feel her but you don’t want to lose her so you want to be like Hannah Montana – “The best of both worlds”!!!

Saying, ‘Can we still be friends?’ is one of the top ten one liners people don’t want to hear! It’s right up there with “It’s not you, it’s me.” Hey…now I think about it, the same person probably came up with them! There is probably no going back from crossing the line with your friend so why do it? Temptation, lust, curiosity, just making sure the person isn’t really “THE ONE” in disguise the list of why’s are endless. Trey Songz says “I wished we never did it” he crossed the friendship line in his video Can’t be friends by Trey Songz (But if he was my friend I definitely would)

As I’m writing this, my head is actually hurting (I’m still thinking about the possibility of me and Trey) and I’m blaming the people who put this topic in my head. I realise there is one part of the ‘lovers and friends’ topic that I haven’t yet touched on, and that was the second question I asked at the beginning. This is one that most people who are reading this can probably say they have had to deal with at some point in their life… Can you be friends with your ex??? (I can hear the oooo’s, aaah’s and hissing from through my screen)!!!
The first question is why would you want to be friends with your ex? He/she is one your ex for a reason and I can honestly say I’m not friends with any of mine as all I can think of is WASTE!!! Would you keep something that needed to go out with the rubbish? Like I said before, friends and relationships are similar, you have to like the other person and get something from them that is worthwhile like, are they a good listener etc.
Let’s look at some scenarios:

1.Ex cheated on you… “Do you want to be friends?” 
Erm…Hell to the No! If he/she has cheated on you in a relationship he/she will probably rob you as a friend.
 
2. Ex and you argue 24/7… “Do you want to be friends?”
They have annoyed you for too long now why would you want them as a friend to piss you off even more?
 
3. You end with your ex in quite a pleasant way with no animosity or ‘beef’ -just two different people going to different ways “Do you want to be friends?”

Why not? Seems like a sensible thing to do just as long as you’re not gonna have a Case of the ex(Mya). Yet, in the future when your new partner gets all protective cause your friend who is also your ex is flying around. (Sticky situation).

There are no clear-cut rules when it comes to lovers and friends. You may delve into the shallow waters of love with your friend hoping that everything will be ok, you may remain friends with your ex because you don’t want to make enemies.
 
Some people stay friends with their ex as it is the easy option especially if you have mutual friends or you don’t want to have to cross the street when you see them, then maybe that’s the best option for you but I think that sexual tension will always remain even if it’s only in one of you. Don’t be surprised if one day this ‘friend’ declares his or her love for you!!!
For me, the friends I have are important. Realistically, I’m not going to be friends with Trey Songz so I’m not going to be making moves on my friends any time soon. (They all breathe a sigh of relief). So…If you do cross the line, be prepared for the consequences, sometimes things are just meant to happen:

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control!” Anon

What do you think place your vote

Who Runs the World????

I like to see myself as a good, strong, independent female; someone who is not scared to say what she thinks or feels and who is able to excel in all she does. I don’t like to fail and always aim high. I’m usually stressed because of the high standards I have for my self and my children – I want them to have and do the best they possibly can. I wasn’t always like this!

One day something clicked as a woman and a mother – I wanted more. I realised that I only had one life and needed to live it by doing all the things I wanted to do and no one but me could help with my dreams and aspirations this was something I had to do for myself!!!

When women go on the route to independence (not the M1) they always get stick from everyone around them – be it men or women. If you’re a working mum; you should be at home with your kids, if you’re a high-flying career woman; you’re power-mad and we ALL know what people think about female drivers! (I refuse to comment here)

The male/female divide always stirs up some form of controversy or debate. With any fiery females and red-blooded males -even from an early age it is apparent in the way the two sexes are different. Take, for instance, my children. My daughter, from a very young age, was fiercely independent wanted to do everything for herself and was (and still is) a quick learner, on the other hand my son has always wanted either myself or my husband to do everything for him. He wants to learn new things in his own time and although now at four years old; he has developed his own level of independence …it took him a while.
Not all women are feminists, but most sensible women have good opinions on how the modern woman should live alongside a man – and preferably living alongside the New Age man. However, there are many out there that still have not been able to evolve -remaining sadly in the Neanderthal stage (also known as savages).

I had a debate with my cousin last week about women and men not being equal, feminists and generally the power of the woman. (My cousin is male so you can only imagine the difference of opinions). Women have come a long way over the ages; we have the vote, we have mostly equal pay in the work place, we have some good strong women leaders in politics throughout the world and more women in high-powered roles. It was common belief (and in some places around the world) it still is the woman’s role to get married, have children and wait on her husband hand and foot.
Somewhere down the line women woke up and said “This is not for me!” These women decided to go and get educated, move into a career and do all the stuff man has been doing for years proving whatever he can do we can do! We have had the female artists that have been doing their thing helping and showing us the way Spice girls with the “Girl Power movement”, Aretha Franklin “Sisters are doing it for themselves”,  Destiny’s Child with “Independent Women”.

In my own house, as a working mum, I like to run a tight ship! I want to raise my children to be able to know how to run a house! I want to prepare them for when they have their own families, as well as ensuring they are well-educated and take on hobbies that could compliment their future careers. My house is the house of equal opportunities. My husband will cook, clean, shop, wash and iron just like me because if I’m at work or busy doing other things, I should be able to feel that I will not have to come home to a disaster zone washing piled high and the sink looking like we have opened up a restaurant! My Husband appreciates the fact that a women’s place is not just in the home!
I know many people who do everything for their husbands or partners, and if that’s what people are happy with doing then great but (and although I’m not religious) I will say the first woman Eve was created so that Adam would not be lonely not so she and women after could wait on man for all eternity. There is a difference between being a good wife and partner and being a doormat if your husband goes to work all day and you are at home then it is only fair and equal that you do everything in the home. (Although every now and again a break would be nice). If you’re a woman who works and does everything in the home and you husband/partner works then it is only fair and equal that he takes on some of the household chores relationships are partnerships where – if everyone puts in work, the benefits speak for themselves!!
In my view, the modern-day woman is someone with independence, intelligence and strength (remembering being educated and having common sense are two very different things – believe me, I’ve come across some dipsticks). Someone who has more to her than just her looks! Lots of guys, (and we see it in trashy magazines and tabloid newspapers all the time) go for the trophy wife with fake boobs and hair extensions with nothing but spaghetti for brains.

A lot of guys DO go for beauty before brains and although we all would like to have someone nice to look at and that will age well. If they lack the art of conversation, the next twenty plus years is going to drag slightly!!! (If it lasts that long)

Maybe guys are slightly scared of the modern-day woman since she stepped up her game and got all independent -singing about running the world, guys got a bit scared. I mean there are still the guys out there that will talk to anything that breathes regardless of what she looks like or how clever she is… trying to get what he can – slightly desperate –sound familiar?.
There are guys out there perhaps, who ARE afraid to take a risk on this kind of girl and maybe they worry that she will talk back too much, ask too many questions, not know her place and want them to take on more they can manage. There are guys out there that can handle the independent woman and we all know behind every great man is one hell of a great woman! These guys are not scared of opinion, judgement and change they are prepared to evolve in a way that is beneficial for all parties allowing their female counterparts to rise and flourish.
To me, guys who shy away from strong women are the ones that are losing out! My advice is don’t hide behind a man, be at his side.
I’ll leave you with this last quote:
“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”   ~Anaïs Nin

Women want more

Compared to most people I know, I have it really good. Roof over my head, good job, husband and two great kids, holidays every year money in the bank and generally, if I want or need something I can have it so why do I always want more?
Wanting more can sometimes be a good thing but may come with sacrifices. Wanting to strive and having ambitions are great qualities in any person, and for a man to have a woman that wants to be the best that she can be, and even when she’s at her highest height still strives on is fantastic.

But… (and this is a big one) if the man is not flowing in her direction aiming for the stars, wanting to climb mountains to be the best that HE can be he may get left behind eating the dust of the woman he loves who’s running like Usain Bolt to get to the finish line!

Although I wouldn’t mind winning the lottery, the thought of too much money is scary – so I’m actually not that greedy! I would just want a few standard things and to sit on the rest. Although I’m good at my job, I’m not really looking to ‘savage’ all my co-workers with dreams of getting to the top! I would like a new job, but I guess that will happen, when it happens! I manage perfectly well being a working mum, whilst managing to shake a regular leg but when there are too many things happening at once I juggle everything to make it work (women can understand this) and this is where wanting more comes into it…
I will always be a wife and a mother but sometimes; it is just nice being ME – letting go and being free! I think this is something that most women can relate to. When the kids grow up, I don’t want to be stuck in the house having not worked all my life feeling sorry for myself?! When my eggs have grown into big birds (Sesame St.) and flown the nest (As time is flying by like…that probably won’t be long) I want to be out there still doing the things I enjoy; living my life to the fullest and not having regrets about things I wished I had done.
The word housewife has always sickened me and fair play to all the mums that DO stay at home. I did do this for a while but as my daughter grew I started to forget how to have adult conversations and to be honest (about?) There is only so much Jeremy Kyle and Cbeebies a woman can take!!!

Having been a teenage mum, I have gone from strength to strength on the defensive trying to overcome fears, doing things wrong then going over them, trying to do them right again. I know there is no such thing as the ‘perfect parents’ or ‘perfect Mum’, and I am far from being the ‘perfect person’ and some people may think this is quite selfish as when you are a Mum you have to sacrifice things for your children but I say, ‘Do you really need to do that? Can’t we at least try to have it all??? My children haven’t suffered. My kids know if mummy doesn’t work – we won’t have holidays and amazing days out. My kids are never left with nannies and our routine is sometimes a struggle but every week with all their activities I pull it off and between 8 and 9pm I hang up my ‘mum shoes’ and turn into me. That’s if I don’t have to work.

At this time I want to catch up with the gossip, open a bottle of wine or go and shake what MY mamma gave me.
I love my kids, but I want them to see me as much more than their mum. I want to be someone who they look up to, respect, see as hard working, someone with morals, ambition, drive, a strong woman who stands up for what she believes in and will fight to be heard. I want them to see me as the woman who did it all and more. Personally, I think it’s important for children to have people that they can look up to in all respects, having a daughter; it’s important for me to show her there is much more to being a woman than just being someone’s partner, wife or baby mother and breeding like a rabbit.

I feel I’m a bit like Oliver in Oliver Twist crying out with all I have going on in my life “Please Sir, can I have some more?” Being perfectly honest, Oliver did end up going from rags to riches so maybe there is no harm?